Ask the awkward questions

There’s this quote by Harriet Lerner and I aim to make it my life mantra.

 

“ If a person we love has found the courage to live through something, then we can find the courage to listen, to give our full attention, and to not back away from asking “Is there more you haven’t told me?”

 

I can’t explain the pain we’ve felt at various points in this journey when others want us to stop talking about day to day life with TBI.  It leaves us hurt and alone, it’s so hard to build a relationship if the biggest part of our life needs to stay off the table. Even since writing again and being authentic about our journey, it’s been interesting to watch the family gossip fly, all without anyone picking up the phone to see how we are.

So here is what I want to tell you, recognizing that while it is our truth it may not be everyone’s truth. All we want is for you to pick up the phone and check in (granted, I’d prefer a text, I pretty much refuse to answer my phone). Ask questions about what we are going through, ask about how we are really doing. You don’t have to have the perfect question or insight to offer, we just want connection and for you to sit with us as we stumble through our life. It also doesn’t have to be the only topic of conversation. TBI is a huge part of our life, but we also watch TV, read books, have quirky neighbours, and desperately want to hear about your life.

I know our story makes people vulnerable and anxious- if this could happen to Jason it could happen to anyone. Traumatic Brain Injuries are terrifying in their pervasiveness, and it can be so uncomfortable to acknowledge the loss of elements of your friend or family member. Please, don’t let that uncomfortableness stop you from reaching out and having a relationship. I know it’s  possible because we have made plenty of friends that do it routinely. So for us, now, as we move away from the shame that dominated our first year and a half of TBI, please ask the questions. We might be awkward or entirely terrible at answering them but we will try our best and at the very least we will have shared the experience of being completely baffled by this life.