It took me nearly a year and a half to be able to watch any show that featured a wedding, bachelor party, bachelorette (side note: it took over two years to watch TV shows with fights, brain injuries or hospitals. We watched a lot of Top Chef and Masterchef for a long time). It was only through working at a spa where I treated brides and honeymooners regularly that I got to the point I didn’t want to throw up while fake smiling through wedding chat. Clients of mine have heard many a lie about my wedding, as I try to forget completely about the summer we were married. But I made it, by our two year anniversary I could almost be happy for people getting married and not completely consumed with bitterness and anger at what we missed out on.
And then we started counting down to my brother in law’s wedding.
I thought in the past we had dealt with grief of our lost wedding and life, turns out I was lying. In the past I had noticed grief and then stuffed my mind full of tasks, next steps, food, people, until I couldn’t notice the grief anymore. And I was pretty okay with that routine, it stung, but then I hid from it and it got better.
And then their wedding was less than two months away.
The grief that rocked our house was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Panic attacks, crying jags so severe I ended up vomiting, a desperate love of my bed like never before. While Jason and I have both lost friends and grandparents somehow we’ve never been forced to confront grief like this.
In trying to celebrate their love and wedding, we were reminded of how horrible that time was for us, and how hard our life has been since.
Now, if you’ve seen our wedding photos you know it was a gorgeous day and a beautiful wedding. I hesitate to share this blog post at all, so many people did go out of their way to give us a gorgeous day. Everything went off without a hitch. People showed up, rings and vows were exchanged, the food was amazing – not a drop of rain on our parade. Unless you were part of our little twosome. Jason was just 3 weeks into life with a TBI when we were married. The swelling had barely gone down from the beating he took. I was exhausted and scared, and more fixated on our honeymoon appointment at the neurosurgeon’s office than on our actual day. Jason doesn’t remember our wedding at all. I only remember reminding myself to smile and play nice and “act like a bride”.
Some will read this and think, every bride is too preoccupied to notice their wedding. And I will tell you, with as much confidence as I can muster having never had a wedding without TBI, it is not the same. We deserved to grieve for the memories we didn’t make that day, and for starting our marriage off without a second of true joy.